AM I GOOD ENOUGH?...

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.
Isaiah 58:11

Am I good enough?  In the nakedness of my thoughts, I keep tossing this question around.  It’s damning because the answer is so subjective. I’m not begging the question based on any one thing or job or relationship in particular.  I’m asking this one question of myself as I relate to the whole of the universe.  No way is that fair of me to me. In the big picture realm where religion meets philosophy and ideology, I probably don’t measure up. Knowing how vast and full of knowledge and information the world is, how could I be good enough.  That’s why Christ died, right.  Because in the beginning, man didn’t realize  that the knowledge of good and evil would lead to self loathing and perversion and doubt and fear and ultimately death.  Now, in the context of a job I applied for, my response is an overwhelming yes.  I am good enough.  As it relates to writing and blogging and turning ideas into action, the answer is, once again, yes.  I am good enough.  When it comes to being a wife and a mom and a family member, I believe the answer is that I am worthy and capable and able.  It’s not that I’m so full of character and wisdom and fairness and righteousness.  I am full of love.  I love God, I love myself and I love my family and friends. But even that isn’t what makes me good enough.  It’s knowing that I was created by God for good.  I was created with His purpose in mind, whether I’m aware of it at this time or not.  I don’t have to know the order or even the steps for God to do what He will with, for and through me.   I will submit that the love I’m filled with brings me to a place of feeling like I can.  Deciding whether I’m good enough or not really does depend on the circumstances or the situation.  But, in the big picture of this thing called life, I think the best of all of us comes out when we know and believe in something outside of and bigger than ourselves.  Some call it the creator, others call it the power of the universe.  I call Him God, and I know that in my unworthiness and in my feelings of not being good enough and in my disbelief is where I am made worthy and good.  It’s in the moments that I wrestle with my junk that God can really get in there and build me up. 

FIll my cup Lord,
I Lift it Up, Lord
Come and quench this thirsting in my soul
Bread of Heaven, feed me til I want no more
Fill my cup, fill it up and make me whole *

*Richard E. Blanchard, Sr. (1925-2004)

I WILL DO A NEW THING...MY (SPIRITUAL) LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!

 For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.  Isaiah 43:19

 New dress, new shoes, new hair and even a new line of make up all because...we want something different...SOMETHING NEW.  When we want a change, we make a change....unless it's in our spiritual life.  Many of us have gotten into this comfort zone that's making our relationship with God....BLAH.  What's so odd is that when other relationships are....BLAH, we happily look for ways to invigorate them...to reinvent them...to breath new life into them so that all parties involved might be better served in the relationship.  That's the way it supposed to be.  If something is not working, or maybe it's fundamentally working, but you aren't as fulfilled as you once were, then make a change.  I grew up in the Baptist church and can, to this day, tell you the rules and regulations (written, spoken and understood) of the Missionary Baptist church.  But, when what I grew up with wasn't enough anymore, I sought something new.  I think back to my first introduction to the Episcopal church, the kids I was working with at the time probably had a lot to do with my shift.  I was working with high school kids as a college volunteer with Young Life (an outreach organization committed to introducing high school kids to Christ), and I was the Youth Director at Grace Mission Church, in the Frenchtown neighborhood of Tallahassee, FL.  Both jobs were so full of life and energy.  I was stretched and engaged and energized in ways I hadn't experienced before.  Taking kids to camp for the first time in their lives and meeting regularly with them to discuss the bible and how much God loved them was EPIC.  I was also having bible studies with like minded twenty something's who were thirsty for more.  Then, another shift happened.  I got a new television job and a new life and in all of the newness, I got into a rut with God.  I was making it to church on Sundays but more out of a sense of guilt or obligation instead of a longing to worship and praise God.  I would go to check the box.  I read and studied less because my life wasn't evolving around God and kids, but was busy with my new work.  Fast forward to marriage and kids of my own and a new reliance on God took hold.  Even in that, I still find myself needing to do more in my efforts to BE WITH AND GET TO KNOW GOD.  I know I'm loved in that relationship and nothing can separate me from that love, but I still look for new ways to say I love you, too.  Wanting something new in an old relationship doesn't mean the relationship is dying.  It means you're growing, and out of that growth comes MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER THINK OR IMAGINE..(A PATHWAY IN THE WILDERNESS AND RIVERS IN THE WASTELAND!)  Sometimes it's hard to know what to do.  God meets us where we are.  He'll show us.  Just make sure we have eyes to see and a heart to understand what we're being called to do. 

Vulnerability...My Foot Washing Story

You call Me Teacher and Lord, and you say well, for so I am. If I then, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet.   John 13:13-14

I participated in a Holy Week Maundy Thursday foot washing ceremony when I was in college.  I was mortified.  I have bad feet, and anyone who has seen them knows I’m not exaggerating (I CALL YOU FRIEND:O)  I get pedicures and keep my heels soft, but the hammer toe damage from days gone by is pretty extensive.  SN:  I knew Dale was going to be my husband when he said he liked my feet:o) 
For me to participate in a ceremony where someone....washes my feet... was a moment where I was vulnerable, scared, trusting and faithful.  I was open and revealed in, what many would consider to be, a simple foot washing ceremony.  I was able to experience God in a way that was very difficult and freeing all in one moment.  I trusted the friend who washed my feet to be with me in that moment with no judgement or ridicule.  I trusted God to make me whole even with my battered and worn feet.  In this Lenten season, I want to consciously trust God to pull back the layers that I hide behind; to reveal himself to me concretely.  I want to be vulnerable as I seek to be set apart for God’s use. 
What’s your foot washing experience?  Maybe it’s literally that or maybe it’s another moment when you , like me, had to really open up yourself and be stretched to see, feel and know God.  Prayerfully, you too are seeking God and making yourself vulnerable  so that your cup might be filled.  LIFT IT UP...and expect it to runneth over. 
Whether you give up or take on something this Lenten season is your choice.  The goal is to intentionally be more like Christ every day... all the time.  For me,  giving up alcohol and meat and SOME Facebook time or taking on a more rigid running schedule and website building project are just my concentrated efforts at a life of discipline in order to be more like and closer to Christ.  For me, it’s a period of sacrifice.  I wish you well during this time leading up to Easter or Resurrection Sunday.  If you call him Lord and Teacher, then look for moments to wash one another’s feet. 

EXPECT MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER THINK OR IMAGINE

Sweethearts of the bride..
Trips...talks....cries...confessions... Girlfriends are sisters we weren't born with but chose as our special girls.  As I look at this picture, I confess that 4 of them are no longer an active part of my life.  One by design and one because the circumstances dictated.  The other two....well....I'm still figuring out what happened.  The flip side is that I'm closer to some of the ladies in the picture now.  And, some of my sweethearts aren't in the picture:o)  You know, we live, learn and we grow.  We make mistakes in our relationships and hope the relationships can bounce back.  Most do.  Some cannot. I've told my husband that I see how spouses become best friends, if they weren't before they got married.  When the girlfriends hurt and disappoint (myself included), husbands listen as we lament.  Relationships evolve.  That doesn't negate the hurts or the longings.  That just makes us realize that we are fallible.   Some of the most precious moments and most difficult moments have been shared with girlfriends.  Am I a good friend?  Do I call often enough?  Does she know that, NO MATTER WHAT, I have her back?  Sigh....It's difficult, at best, sometimes to be the kind of friend for which we pray.  What I know is this....I miss my girlfriends.  I love my girlfriends.  I have been defined, enhanced, corrected and protected by them.  A part of me exists because of my experiences with them. Life is different now for sure, but what it was with you, girlfriend, will never be replaced.  If anything, I hope we continue to grow TOGETHER. 

Powered by Purpose...

Still so much to get done.  The move was pushed back to March 1st for me and Grace, which means it will be just a little longer until my family is together permanently.  Even in that, we were able to find a better (for us) house than the one that fell through causing the push back. I KNOW THAT WAS GOD. I look around the South Carolina house and am amazed that I've been able to be in this moving mess without losing my mind.  I typically like order and organization and don't do well in mess (desk, car, life); my closet is a different story (on which I'm constantly working:o)  Being in mess for a bit has been tolerable because I know what's on the other side... LOVE, FAMILY, TOGETHERNESS, OPPORTUNITIES, PURPOSE. 

On another note...I'm a nervous flyer and have decided to own that.  Really, I just don't like the extreme turbulence and shaky landings:o)  I normally grab my husband's hand when he's with me.  I grab the cold, hard arm rest when he's not.  I often think of my mortality when flying and of my faith.  I say my prayers before, during and after the flight, and I wonder if the exhibited fear means I trust God less with my life in the air than on the ground.  The flip side is that I am reminded of God amongst the clouds and the horizon.  A work in progress...

Psalm 71:1-6

1 In you, O LORD, have I taken refuge; *

let me never be ashamed.

2 In your righteousness, deliver me and set me free; *

incline your ear to me and save me.

3 Be my strong rock, a castle to keep me safe; *

you are my crag and my stronghold.

4 Deliver me, my God, from the hand of the wicked, *

from the clutches of the evildoer and the oppressor.

5 For you are my hope, O Lord GOD, *

my confidence since I was young.

6 I have been sustained by you ever since I was born;

from my mother's womb you have been my strength; *
my praise shall be always of you. 

 

EXPECT MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER THINK OR IMAGINE

Powered by Purpose...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCeP6bzx7xU  
(Jason Nelson's "Shifting the Atmosphere")

I waited patiently for the LORD to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1

The house is sick, and that is, unfortunately, what led to me sitting still long enough to have some quiet time and write a bit.  Between Grace's runny nose and my stomach bug, we are home bound today.  During my quiet time, I read a forward from my sister.  It was Joel Osteen's daily reading, and it talked about "the Shift".  I've talked about it with worldly folks in terms of the book "The Tipping Point."  The idea is that it only takes "that one thing"...a shared idea, a conversation with a friend who has a friend or someone telling someone else how AWESOME YOU ARE to put you over the top or to help a person, place, thing or idea "trend".  God doesn't need any of those events to "shift" your circumstances, but HE certainly uses them.  Some of us are waiting for a shift in our marriages or significant relationships; others for a shift in our kids attitudes; some desperately need a shift in our careers. Some of us simply need to know God is there, and may not even be aware of the needed shift.  That's okay too.  Whatever it is, trust God! Lord, I believe...help my unbelief.

EXPECT MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER THINK OR IMAGINE!